Via a status update on Facebook, of all places, I learned that a friend of mine had committed suicide. I’m still struggling to understand how the kid I knew reached that point in his life.

When I was 13 or 14 I spent many hours over at his house watching TV or playing computer games with him. His dad seemed a little off and his mom was always at work but more than anything else he seemed to just need a friend. In some ways I feel like I went to his house to play with his toys instead of trying to be his friend. I feel like I have done that at other times in my life too – looking back on that, I’m not proud of my actions. Both of us went to the same church and attended the same youth group. When I started working part time jobs I found an excuse to stop attending church.

When I stopped attending church I didn’t see my friend outside of school after that. He was still an awkward guy that was willing to put himself on the line for friendship. He would never do anything to offend anyone and would never intentionally hurt other people. He was always kind and I don’t think he was ever in a bad mood. We spent time in different social circles – I closed him out like others had done to me. I was just as culpable as the people I despised. This is a guy you wanted for a friend – in retrospect, I wasn’t.

When I graduated I left that town in the hope of never returning. Sure, my family is still there and I visit when I can but I grew to hate that place. That place is where I always felt awkward. That places is where I always felt like an outcast. That place is where I learned to hate the people around me because they didn’t understand. When I think about now I realize that I was the one that was closed off. I put barriers between myself and other people. Why couldn’t I have the confidence in myself that I have now?

My friend stayed close to that town and went to college and got a degree. From what I understand he continued to stay active in his church and was liked by all. Even though I never saw him after graduation, I have no doubts that he was an outstanding guy. It’s been 10 years since I have last seen him but his death still has had a profound effect on me. Why did he take his life? What led him to that point?

Every year I sit through 30 minutes of suicide awareness training. Suicide rate in the military is similar to that of the civilian world. Each branch of service is a little different as the demands placed upon us are not the same. We’re taught to look for signs of depression and for people that are closing themselves off from the rest of the world.

Things to look for:

Appearing depressed or sad most of the time.
Talking or writing about death or suicide.
Withdrawing from family and friends.
Feeling hopeless.
Feeling helpless.
Feeling strong anger or rage.
Feeling trapped — like there is no way out of a situation.
Experiencing dramatic mood changes.
Abusing drugs or alcohol.
Exhibiting a change in personality.
Acting impulsively.
Losing interest in most activities.
Experiencing a change in sleeping habits.
Experiencing a change in eating habits.
Losing interest in most activities.
Performing poorly at work or in school.
Giving away prized possessions.
Writing a will.
Feeling excessive guilt or shame.
Acting recklessly.

Many people that commit suicide will do a practice run prior to taking their lives.

I wish I could have been there to be a friend for him as he was for me. I wish I could have known him and seen some of the signals. Distance and time, unfortunately, have separated me from this person. It has been beaten into my head that with every suicide, the people that were close to him saw the signs (in retrospect) but didn’t do anything – because they didn’t know. They didn’t know how to put the pieces together. They didn’t know to stay with that person no matter what. Never leave a person alone that is in that state.

Suicide sucks – its a damn shame that a good guy like that took his life. There should be more people like him in the world and its a shame the world lost him.